im crying because there's a pain in my heart. i had assumed that i was all along feeling empty even though i knew that it wasn't true. and i haven't been carrying with me a vacuous body, i have been carrying with me a luggage of pain.

and i ask myself 'so what?'. i ask myself, 'how can you cry when there are people out there hurting worse than you? why do you waste your time crying?'. i... i want to cry. and be assured that my tears aren't a waste of time. i want to be assured that it's okay to do this rather than reading my newscientist magazine or revising my chemistry unit five. i want to be assured that i'm not wasting the time given to me by crying over matters which are trivial when compared to everything else others are going through.

but i cannot assure myself.

i carry this pain. this pain which lingers in me. this pain which accompanies me to sleep and greets me when i wake. this pain which............

isn't that good enough a reason to cry? and if crying will not change anything, then am i wasting my time? am i wasting my time writing this? thinking about this?

is there somebody there that will not sneer at my pain? no matter how insignificant it seems to everyone else's? no matter how simple the solution is? when my tears eventually stop flowing like they always do, i want to be forgiven.

please forgive me.

i was a fool, i was an ingrate, i was tactless, i was arrogant, i overreacted, i always cry too easily.

so please forgive me.

i pull myself from this chair and look out of the window. 'see the leaves? see the trees? see the gray skies?'

'life is great, right? see how complicated those structures are? life is great, isn't it?'

and it is great.

'so celebrate your tears and celebrate your pain'

forgive me.

im willing to hate myself.

in exchange...........

please don't hate me.

Saturday, March 27, 2004 05:18 p.m.